Ratan Ka Rishta – 2012

The entire Jodhpur palace has boiled potatoes hanging from the chandeliers as the podgy Ram Gapoo enters the screen.

“Welcome to season 2 of Ratan ka Rishta” – Ram welcomes the audience as his eyes keep veering towards the potatoes which have been placed high enough so that he isn’t able to grab them.

“It’s been a year and life as you all know has to move on, but Ratan unfortunately hasn’t been able to. More than 7 decades old and with such a huge empire to manage he unfortunately hasn’t had any of his sperms germinate into a human being. And now he is in the search for the perfect mate to take control over his $100 Bn empire spread across 114 companies in 80 countries….Please welcome our very own shy and coy, Ratan Tota

Ratan drives down the red carpet in a Nano with the emblem of Jaguar affixed on the bonnet, and the Land Rover signage on the bumper.

“Are you feeling nervous, Ratan?”

“Do I need to?”- Ratan gulps sputum down his throat as he nervously looks around the bunch of candidates huddled lazily on the semi-circular maroon couch.

“Let me introduce each of these 5 gems specially unearthed for you from across the length and breadth of India” – the smirk on Ram’s face could be only matched by the intensity of hunger in his belly.

Candidate No. 1 – Baba Kamdev

A frail man who’s standing upside down, strings the chords of ‘Bade Acche Lagte hain’ on his mandolin as soon as Ram moves towards him. Rakhi Sawant is clinging tightly to his backside but that doesn’t seem to bother the baba as he continues making vacuums in his tummy.

“Meet the Godman who can take care of your empire selflessly, without having any real interest in money or women, just like you Ratanji.”

“But what are his business credentials, Gapoo?”

“Well, he has a couple of thousand crores stashed across various temples in the country and also charges a hefty fee to train devotees on how to do a good blowin and blowout job”

Candidates No. 2 and 3 – Yedurapper and Aye Raja

2 guys distract their attention with their noisy giggling and tickling over a game of monopoly. Every time one of them is not watching, the other flicks a note or hotel from the opponents’ area.

“Meet the Siamese twins who are a perfect foil to the staid and steady image of your empire, which is in desperate need of a makeover…They will add some much needed color and stain to the brand which stands for the archaic, boring concepts of integrity and honesty since 19th century.”

“Well, Raja can definitely handle my telecom company, but I don’t have any goldmines for Yeds to dig into?”

“Don’t worry, he can mine anywhere for anything as long as it’s not legal. See!”

They watch in disgust as the old hand is seen busy digging under Raja’s nose.

Candidate No. 4 – Anna Hazard

“Ram, who’s that Gandhi look-alike sleeping under the couch?”

 “That’s one of the strongest candidate Ratanji. According to Anna, every problem in the world can be eradicated with one simple solution. Everytime the unions at Tota steel go on strike, he as the CEO will go one up and fast until death. Don’t worry, he never dies as the fast ends as soon as his bowels get under control.” “Btw, he’s also a master at setting up an impenetrable organizational matrix of watchdogs over watchdogs over watchdogs…”

“Just like Christopher Nolan and Amol palekar’s Sapne mein dekha ek sapna?”

“Eggjactly…So principally, the CEO will watchover the company, then there will be one committee Tatayukta, which will watchover the CEO. Tatayukta would be in turn monitored by Yukta Mookhey and so on…”

Candidate No. 5 – Abhishake Bacchalan

“And meet the last candidate who’s Indian’s answer to Einstein, Archimedes and Stephen Hawking all rolled into one…”

The camera pans towards an oversized unshaven boy playing a game on his mobile with 2 life-size cutouts of himself on each of his sides. He is grinning uncontrollably as if suffering from dementia.

 “That’s AB’s baby and he’s one guy who will ensure that your company is never short of ideas. He’s just recently solved the country’s population problem just by peddling porn on 3G”

“Hello Ratan uncle…Why is a polar bear white in colour?” – Abhishake jumps across straight in front of Ratan’s face.

“Wtf, No idea!”

“Then get Idea…”

Ratan looks exasperatedly at the 5 pairs of eager eyes poring over him and then looks around at Ram who by now has already dug into the potatoes, completely ignorant of the surroundings…

Tota makes a run towards his Nano and decides to continue managing his company for ever after….

Social Network to be remade in Hindi

Rumour mills have it that a few top directors from Bollywood are looking to buy the rights to the 2010 Hollywood hit ‘Social Network’ and remake it in Hindi…

Kabhi Social Kabhi Racial – By Charan Johari

Scene 1

The opening shot is of a helicopter landing in a huge mansion owned by an older version of Mark Zucka’iceberg (played by Big ‘B’accha).  A man wearing an over-sized overcoat gets down from the helicopter and touches the feet of Mark.

“Baujji, main aa gaya”

“Who the hell are you, dude? Select A: Haklu, B:Haklu, C:Haklu, D:Haklu ” – Mark asks in a deep baritone.

“Baaauoooji, u didn’t recognize me baaauooji, I’m your long lost son Facebook” – (Rukhrukh plays the pivotal role of Facebook)

Scene 2

A fat little old nameless lady (played by Jaya) starts running towards the entrance “Mere Karan Arjun aa gaye”

“Cut Cut, Jaya aunty – You’re not Rakhee !!! Please concentrate” – Charan implores…”Sound, Camera….huhuhuhu…Rukhrukh, stop being naughty and go back to your position”

Scene 2 – Take 2

“Sorry Facebook beta, I couldn’t recognize u” – Nameless_Oldy starts sobbing uncontrollably.

“No problem Mummorita, bade bade networks mein aise chhote chhote f*ups hote rehte hai”

“Beta, who’s that podgy girl standing behind u?”

“Please give Aashirwaad maaji, I’m Orkut, your  bahu.” – Orkut (played by Cajole) comes out from behind Facebook’s shadow & touches the feet of Nameless_Oldy

Scene 3

Cut to a song where all of them suddenly start dancing in the living room which has huge piles of Apple Macbooks and iPads around a photo of Mark and his father Steve Naukriyaa.

Facebook starts singing –

Mere Status pe jo aaye,

aake like button dabaaye….

Usse kaho, kabhi photo naa dikhaaye!!!”

Suddenly thousands of people from world-over start entering the mansion led by a young American teenager.

“Arre, who is breaking the discipline of my Gurukul?” – Mark  shouts bringing the entire army of people at a halt.

“These are all my followers and I’m your grandson” – Twitter (played by Shia Labuffet) responds.

“Beta, your wifey is dark and you are wheatish, how come Twitter is so gora?” – Nameless_Oldy whispers.

Facebook raises both his arms – “Don’t be racial maa, be social”

The 1000s of followers start humming “Aaaaaa Aaaaa…Kabhi Social Kabhi Racial”

Cut to the end credits ‘It’s all about loving your… status updates”.

Social Network ki Aag

Directed by the irrepressible Kam Kopal Karma, the movie will have the young Twitter(Viweak Oberoi) leading a gang-war against the current underworld don – LinkedIn (Played by Ajay Godgun)…Facebook (Urmila MotherFaceDo*) keeps dancing in Dollar Baniyan on the beach every 15 minutes post a fight sequence. *Face = Tond in Marathi

Haven’t yet found this detailed script as well Subhash Hurry’s script on the lost twins – let me know if you get hold of it.

Who’s the big daddy?

As the 2nd test beings at Trent Bridge, the English media starts it annual dancing and prancing routine about the myth that their team is about to dethrone the incumbent team, ruling the roost. They do this once every few years when any major series is to begin, moreso because the Pommies are one of the better sides in the current mix. But it also begs the question, whether there is a clearly identifiable no. 1 team in world cricket today?

Before we get into any academic discussions, let me point out that I’m going to ramble around as a pure lover of the game rather than a Mohandas Menon who can throw up 20,000 different stats at you. Feel free to disagree in the comments section or add your own views. Secondly, I’ve also marginalized ODIs and T20s out of the debate, because of the reasons mentioned below. Once these disclaimers are flushed down the drain, we’ll dive straight into the bravery red and white of test cricket!

ODIs:- As far as the 50 over game is concerned, the no. 1 tag sits very lightly on any team’s shoulders. It’s always the last edition’s world cup winners (in the current scenario India), who are anointed the kings of the game even though they might be languishing at the no. 2 or 3 spot. For two years, a country can be rest assured to keeping milking on the world champions title, before the next edition’s shenanigans start honking again. Then the circus re-starts trying to relegate some teams to the top dogs category and a couple others thrown in as underdogs. (usually Pakistan & New Zealand)

T20s:- The baby of all formats is too new for us to form explicit opinions but one thing is certain, where prediction or picking up a team as numero uno is concerned, it’s virtually impossible because one Chris Gayle or Ross Taylor can turn the game over it’s head in a matter of minutes, irrespective of the situation, timing and competition. How many of you think that the Englishmen are actually no. 1 in this format, despite the fact that they won the last T20 championship in 2010? I guess, not many. And here we also have to take into account the further bastardization of the game with the invent of the IPL…If you hand over the top rank to any team in T20 school of cricket, it has to be Chennai Super Kings instead of any country, just on the basis of their unparalleled consistency in the infinitesimally small history of this format.

TESTS:

Now we move onto the big daddy – the purists and cricketers’ first love. 5 days of unadulterated display of skill, stamina and perseverance. As a spectator sport, this must be probably the most unique and at times a boring experience, because it’s akin to watching a chess match spread over, say 40 hours without the promise of a result in the end. But from purely the game’s point of view, this actually brings out the best as well as the worst out of a team. Unlike the shorter versions of the game, here even if 2 or 3 players are not upto caliber, their shortcomings are woefully extracted over a sub-period of any of the 5 days. It is indeed a real ‘TEST’ for each of the 11 players.

India (2009- ????):

Precisely the reason that amongst the current lot, not a single team can lay claim to the throne. Each team has substantial level of weaknesses which get accentuated on varied surfaces and conditions. Well, one can argue saying that since it’s a relative ranking, anyone who plays better will be at the top. But I would rather hang onto the notion that no. 1  is a team which is invincible, and the one for which even competition accepts this fact, albeit grudgingly.

Which brings us to the current champions. India’s unevenness in bowling vs batting is well known and only gets exacerbated when you have a mainstay like Zaheer Khan hobbling away within the 1st session of a match…Even Harbhajan hasn’t lived upto the expectations, created once Anil Kumble handed over the sole spinner baton to him. A billion population country unable to produce even 4 world-class bowlers is a conundrum unsolved for decades now. Likewise, the other top teams like South Africa, England, Sri Lanka and Australia have their own set of problems. These 5 teams wouldn’t be able to stamp out a complete authority unlike their 2 predecessors who ruled the roost for 25+ long years!
Australia (1996-2009):

Compare this to the erstwhile Australian team which kept the no. 1 tag to themselves for 6 unbroken years, right from the time the rankings were modified and re-established in 2003…The balance which the Waugh brothers, Mcgrath-Warne, Gilchrist, and company provided was unmatchable and that’s what made them deadly across both formats. And they were actually champions even before the rankings were initiatied and can be said to have ruled the roost for more than a decade – starting around their ODI world cup final loss to Lanka in 1996. This they managed with the help of a fantastic work ethic, discipline and grass-roots program which ensured that well trained cricketers were thrown off the assembly line like a regimented army. Yes, talent also was a significant aspect, but they are the ones who actually converted the art of cricket into a studied and perfected science…The only artistic expression they vented out were the verbal sledgehammers dished out to rest of the world, on the field.

Windies (1975-1990):

That leaves us with the baap of all teams – the Brazilians of cricket. The purely skilled samba dancers which would have been fun to watch in today’s day and age. Some of you might argue that the mighty Windies played in an era when there were only 5 or 6 test playing nations and had substantial threat only from the Aussies or at times from the Englishmen…But let’s not break the romantic notion of a team which pulverized everything into submission for 15 long years! Even today the names of Lloyd, Richards, Holding, Roberts inspires awe in fans and cricketers alike. Their brand of cricket was one of pure skill. Fearless in their approach, most of them were poetry and blood in motion. If one visual can capture their aggression and attitude was the way Emperor Richards would swagger onto the field chewing gum and hitting rockets out of the ground.

Await one day, when India can beg, borrow or steal some quickies from across the border who can set the field on fire and match the intensity which only our batsmen have so far provided. Sometimes, I also dread the day when Sachin, Rahul and Laxman will hang their boots who currently not many youngsters seem capable of wearing!


Letter to the ex-wife…

Dear Soumya,

Finally I get to spread my arms and have the entire bed to myself. I was looking forward to this freedom for the past few years, and finally time and space are mine alone. 

But hold on, why am I not all kicked about life again, the way it was always supposed to be? I had to roam the world, read 100s of books, sleep with 20 different women and exercise daily to build those ever-elusive 6-packs. It’s been a year now and I can’t even tick mark one of them! Why don’t they excite me anymore?

The eyes do shut down every night but the mind remains alert, hoping to hear the light snore which used to lullaby me to sleep. My hands tentatively move around trying to touch the soft fingertips which had warmth and at times heat too, as my once-reddened cheeks would endorse. Do you still grow your fingernails and paint them with that weird shade of silver?

Yes, I know I was the one who blamed you for being the reason for us drifting apart. Your anger, your tears and your constant cribbing were taking a toll on my peace of mind. But then somewhere I forgot that those were born out of my indifference, my cold behavior and my falling out of love with you. You finally asked me did I ever love you? I did not reply, which said a lot and you left…

Today, I ask myself what is love? If it’s not yearning for you to grab away the Belgian chocolate scoop from my hand, or change the channel the very moment when Sachin is about to hit yet another century, or chuckle at my inane jokes when everyone else in the world seems to be rather laughing at me.

Ma and Pa miss you but they won’t tell me. They want us to be happy – whether together or apart. We laugh often now, but it’s worse than the canned laughter in the late-night sitcoms, we all used to ridicule. Life is good otherwise, my cholesterol is under control and I don’t fart that frequently anymore.

I saw you at the grocery last month – you still buy watermelons? But you never shared my liking for them. I wanted to walk over to you and tell you to burn that fugly frilly yellow frock, but strength eluded me as always. Next week, I’m moving out of this goddam city which throws up your shadows around every nook and corner. But then I know a part of you will never leave me…You’ve taken away my soul and left yours behind in my heart. The heart which I once claimed beats only for you and never thought that it always will.

Love you hamesha,

Adi

 

Hairy Potter and the Barber’s Razor

Year 1979: In the Hogwart’s school of pottery somewhere  in downtown Hyderabad, there  sat a young boy busy plucking hair from his chest and storing 1 strand in each pot to create horcruxes so the dark lord wouldn’t be able to wax him. And this is where the saga all began…..

The 8 movie series would be directed by different cinematic maestros starting with Satish Kaushik for ‘Hairy Potter & The Barber’s Razor’ and ending with the dark and deadly ‘Hairy Potter ki Aag’ helmed by RGV. To play the central characters of these sordid tales, here’s our pick from the creme-de-la-creme of Bollywood.

Hairy Potter

Who else but Anil Kapoor to play the pivotal role of the boy whose hair was his mojo, with Rajpal Yadav (Ron) and Dolly Bindra(Hermione) as his sidekicks. Dolly Bindra doesn’t know spells but she does know how to curse for sure…A curse a minute by this podgy Hermione will put even Voldemort to shame.

Lord Voldemort

The dark lord will be given a totally new dimension by the super-dark Rajnikanth…He ofcourse  is naturally gifted as someone who can be killed repeatedly and yet  stay alive! Rajni will also play Nagina and all the 2000 odd lungi-clad deatheaters hovering over the pottery school.

Albus Dumbledore

It was a bit difficult to find a 500 year old man to play the adorable headmaster? We had to finally settle for the ancient AK Hangal whose most important (and also the only) dialogue in the movie would be ‘Itna Sanata kyon hai bhai?’

Weasley Twins

Kader Khan and Shakti Kapoor might not be identical twins but they share the same soul & their screen-scorching chemistry and chaddi jokes are already legendary. 

Hagrid

The great Bappi Lahiri carries the requisite weight to stand tummy,  shoulder and balls beyond the rest of the cast and can ride on dragons, unicorns or any other animal you put his way. He will also provide with song-and-dance routines as well as add some bling to the otherwise  grey movies.

Bellatrix

Wasn’t Bellatrix as a character anyways inspired of our very own Shaban Azmi?

Auditions on for the remaining characters as well as a scriptwriter to write a water-tight plot for this movie.

Accio Matka!

Dilution of Power! – Monopoly to Oligopoly to Individualism…

Has monopoly as a concept lost its way in the new world order, formed over the last few decades ?

->  G20 replaces G8….Chindia, and a few other nations are jumping up and down with glee at suddenly showing their economic prowess to the US and EU.

The interesting fact is that the economic bloc which till now had representation from Europe and North America has now dissipated to nearly every continent (Mexico, Turkey, Australia, Argentina, South Africa, etc. are all a part of the G20)

-> Power of information is moving away from the hands of a few media moguls to the common man….Twitter, Wikipedia – Information seekers now are information dissipaters too. ..

-> The Great Depression hit the ‘US’ in 1930s, but the credit crisis in 2008 hit ‘the World’, despite the core problem lying in the US financial lending and securitization…The media drive affected the consumer sentiment in a huge way across the globe.

-> Coalition governments are more in vogue in a lot of countries today…

In a world where information, capital, humans, terrorists, etc. flow beyond boundaries of cities, countries and continents, it looks as if even oligopoly might soon lose its relevance !

Looking forward to a world in the next century where power would have probably further diluted to the absolute individual, en masse.

Evil Attracts!

“The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones. ” – William Shakespeare

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“Kesariya Bilayati – Baddddddd Mannnn” – as soon as the hideously made-up Gulshan Grover spews out venom in the movie ‘Ram Lakhan’ to his equally evil cronies (Paresh Rawal and Amrish Puri), the movie suddenly catches steam.

Why do black or grey characters leave a bigger impact than the squeaky clean heroes on celluloid?

Heath Ledger’s turn as Joker completely overshadowed The Dark Knight ! Maybe it’s the absolute freedom from every rulebook laid down by society (including morality) which seems attractive. The Joker reigns in chaos and paradoxically seems in control of everything by declaring anarchy in the world, which for him was such a liberating state to be in.

You might want to point out that it was because of the sheer acting prowess of Mr. Ledger that we were so impressed and poor Batman seemed like a cardboard sidekick…There are so many caricaturish villains in movies which we don’t even recollect….True but the best remembered roles are the ones which are a bit quirky and not straight-forward clean (Didn’t we simply like Nicholson in ‘A few Good Men’ or were blown away by Hannibal Lecter? )

Even in Hindu mythology, I’ve always preferred the Mahabharata to Ramayana, the latter has everything in black and white, which somehow seems a bit drab to me. (Or maybe Ramanand Sagar added too many bhajjans to the show)…But Krishna as a personality with so many queens hovering around, compared to the chaste Ram pulls the heart strings a bit more.

Think about all your friends – you surely like all the goody-two shoes and mostly befriend “GOOD” guys, but who leaves a long-lasting impact on the mind, and whom do you always have a part of your discussions – that individual with the added streak of anger, venom against the world.

Maybe I’m confusing evil with outspoken aggressiveness, but the truth remains that till date ‘Mogambo Khush hua” is known to nearly all Indians born around the 80′s, but we wouldn’t be able to dig out a single dialogue of Mr. India from our collective memories.

Long live the tribe of Darth Vader, Lord Voldemort (oops I named him) and Gabbar Singh!

“The wave of evil washes all our institutions alike.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson