Ratan Ka Rishta – 2012


The entire Jodhpur palace has boiled potatoes hanging from the chandeliers as the podgy Ram Gapoo enters the screen.

“Welcome to season 2 of Ratan ka Rishta” – Ram welcomes the audience as his eyes keep veering towards the potatoes which have been placed high enough so that he isn’t able to grab them.

“It’s been a year and life as you all know has to move on, but Ratan unfortunately hasn’t been able to. More than 7 decades old and with such a huge empire to manage he unfortunately hasn’t had any of his sperms germinate into a human being. And now he is in the search for the perfect mate to take control over his $100 Bn empire spread across 114 companies in 80 countries….Please welcome our very own shy and coy, Ratan Tota

Ratan drives down the red carpet in a Nano with the emblem of Jaguar affixed on the bonnet, and the Land Rover signage on the bumper.

“Are you feeling nervous, Ratan?”

“Do I need to?”- Ratan gulps sputum down his throat as he nervously looks around the bunch of candidates huddled lazily on the semi-circular maroon couch.

“Let me introduce each of these 5 gems specially unearthed for you from across the length and breadth of India” – the smirk on Ram’s face could be only matched by the intensity of hunger in his belly.

Candidate No. 1 – Baba Kamdev

A frail man who’s standing upside down, strings the chords of ‘Bade Acche Lagte hain’ on his mandolin as soon as Ram moves towards him. Rakhi Sawant is clinging tightly to his backside but that doesn’t seem to bother the baba as he continues making vacuums in his tummy.

“Meet the Godman who can take care of your empire selflessly, without having any real interest in money or women, just like you Ratanji.”

“But what are his business credentials, Gapoo?”

“Well, he has a couple of thousand crores stashed across various temples in the country and also charges a hefty fee to train devotees on how to do a good blowin and blowout job”

Candidates No. 2 and 3 – Yedurapper and Aye Raja

2 guys distract their attention with their noisy giggling and tickling over a game of monopoly. Every time one of them is not watching, the other flicks a note or hotel from the opponents’ area.

“Meet the Siamese twins who are a perfect foil to the staid and steady image of your empire, which is in desperate need of a makeover…They will add some much needed color and stain to the brand which stands for the archaic, boring concepts of integrity and honesty since 19th century.”

“Well, Raja can definitely handle my telecom company, but I don’t have any goldmines for Yeds to dig into?”

“Don’t worry, he can mine anywhere for anything as long as it’s not legal. See!”

They watch in disgust as the old hand is seen busy digging under Raja’s nose.

Candidate No. 4 – Anna Hazard

“Ram, who’s that Gandhi look-alike sleeping under the couch?”

 “That’s one of the strongest candidate Ratanji. According to Anna, every problem in the world can be eradicated with one simple solution. Everytime the unions at Tota steel go on strike, he as the CEO will go one up and fast until death. Don’t worry, he never dies as the fast ends as soon as his bowels get under control.” “Btw, he’s also a master at setting up an impenetrable organizational matrix of watchdogs over watchdogs over watchdogs…”

“Just like Christopher Nolan and Amol palekar’s Sapne mein dekha ek sapna?”

“Eggjactly…So principally, the CEO will watchover the company, then there will be one committee Tatayukta, which will watchover the CEO. Tatayukta would be in turn monitored by Yukta Mookhey and so on…”

Candidate No. 5 – Abhishake Bacchalan

“And meet the last candidate who’s Indian’s answer to Einstein, Archimedes and Stephen Hawking all rolled into one…”

The camera pans towards an oversized unshaven boy playing a game on his mobile with 2 life-size cutouts of himself on each of his sides. He is grinning uncontrollably as if suffering from dementia.

 “That’s AB’s baby and he’s one guy who will ensure that your company is never short of ideas. He’s just recently solved the country’s population problem just by peddling porn on 3G”

“Hello Ratan uncle…Why is a polar bear white in colour?” – Abhishake jumps across straight in front of Ratan’s face.

“Wtf, No idea!”

“Then get Idea…”

Ratan looks exasperatedly at the 5 pairs of eager eyes poring over him and then looks around at Ram who by now has already dug into the potatoes, completely ignorant of the surroundings…

Tota makes a run towards his Nano and decides to continue managing his company for ever after….

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