The Secret Diary of KRK – Returns!

Dear Diary, Jay Mata Di!

 – Today all my kisses are reserved for Annaji and Kiran Bediji. She reminds me so much of that Gujju dhokli ‘Falguni Fatakdi’ with whom I used to play dandia in my struggling days. Aur Anna ke kya kehne – I met Enrique Eagles the other night for bun pav and beer in downtown Mexico and told him that we have a hotter Anna than his Cornykova, but what will these firang 2Rs people understand the importance of old wrinkled hotties!

– My heart is having a round of painness for the janta of this country. How can a population of 135 lakhs of peoples be fooled by a handful of 2Rs people like Om Puri who is giving gaalis to good politicians like Manmohanji. I will crapblock Om Puri, the deshdrohi and also all my 3000 followers who look so identical – twitter is cloning peoples kya? (All eggs without eyes and especially no lips to kiss). But then there are also these beautiful bikini girls who have numbers instead of names and all of them follow me. Twitter, tussi great ho!

– Today KJo is releasing Agneepath trailer – Arre baba, hopefully Hrithik won’t dub with a sore throat like Amit uncle did during the original. And this Sanju baba is looking more like Adnan baba nowadays and with hair gone from the top, his roundness is even more well-defined. On Eid, I have a private screening for Salmanbhai’s new super-duper bumper hit Bodyguard – he wants my advice on the ending of the starting scene…Btw, I really like the way he runs in Matrix-like slow motion for the song ‘Teri Meri’. I just worry that his man-boobs might fall off if he increases his pace just a bit.

– In global news, I’m very happy for the Librans. Their country is finally free, but what’s wrong with these journalists with such bad English. They can’t even spell Myanmar Kadaffi correctly. But it doesn’t matter – a very happy independence to the deshwasiyon of Libra. Now the future is in your own hands – so masturbate correctly. Btw, I love the Americans for giving such beautiful names to their disasters like hurrycane Katrina and Irene…We should take a leaf out of their tree and name our next earthquake as Dolly Bindra.

More next month, till then let me leave you with my favorite philosophical song by Gulzaar Saab, which my very good friend and look-alike Sukhwinder Singh has sunk. Sukhwinder, 100 kisses to you and Gulzar Saab.

“Chal Chaiyya Chaiyya Chal Chaiyya… Saari Ishiq ki Chhau chal Chaiyyan”

I’ll roughly translate it for all my young fans who don’t understand Urdus.

“Cum Chhaya Chhayy Cum Chhaya… All lusty shadows cum Chhaya”

(Chhaya is the name of Shiney Ahuja’s ex-maid now recruited by me for I like to help out the needy peoples)

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Anna: the anti-corruption diet?

For the past few weeks, New Delhi has become one big festival city with elocution and fancy dress competitions galore (Gandhi cap has replaced the superman cape we used to drape in our childhood). In general, it looks like one big mela promoting anarchy in the name of democracy.

The very thought process that Anna’s VLCC Xtreme diet will lead to eradication of corruption is ludicrously similar in logic to AB Junior’s Idea ad which proposes that 3G can lead to a reduction in population.

Elaborated below are a few reasons for skeptics like me to believe that all this wrestling will end up with just an additional public body (Lokayuktas), without any arms or legs.

1) Execution: There have been innumerable bills passed in the past like TADA, POTA, etc. but has that stopped terrorism? For every single law developed, we Indians can find 100 ways to circumvent it.

2) Power: The scent of power to humans is what blood is to vampires – almost always difficult to ignore and impossible to stop when you taste some. All the Robins to Anna’s Batman seem to be adulating in the new found power. And as soon as one becomes powerful, the original motive for starting a movement goes for a toss. Let’s see what this Jhing-bang does next (hopefully not the creation of a new political JanLok Party!)

3) Bureaucracy: A bloated public machinery had been one of the reasons for our painstakingly slow progress in the first 5 decades of independence. By adding another layer in the form of Lokayuktas at all levels, we are creating an alternate power centre which might be potentially misused.

4) Anarchy: We’re fanning the potential to anarchy in the future by allowing different factions to arm-twist the government to a my way vs Highway option.

5) Ignorance: Most of us hardly know the contents of the Lokpal bill draft, let alone the differences between the government’s and Anna’s draft versions. It’s just the feel-good factor and some misplaced sense of higher civil consciousness that we’re contributing something worthwhile, which has made Anna and team – the pied pipers of Ramleela.

In summary, I feel this will be similar to the annual candle marches post every Bombay blast or the slutwalks, which increase people awareness and allow them to vent out their pent-up frustrations but just about stop there, in terms of effectiveness.

Nevertheless,  I’ll be the happiest person if proven wrong and infact, there is a desire in the heart that somehow this outcry clicks and India shines as it is actually supposed to.

Orgasmic chicken soup for the deranged soul

This week has been one of those moods, when the mind has been floating in philosophical randomness about life, death and the muck in between. 

Makes me do some wishful thinking and the bucket list below, is a top of the mind recall of 14 activities I would love to indulge in, before the 15th one (death) hits my heart. 

The Ultimate Bucket List 

1)      Visit Antarctica and live alongside the penguins for a month, on what is one of the most beautiful and serene, but inhumanely cold terrains on planet earth

2)      Be a best-selling author – Chetan Bhagat can do it & so can I!

3)      Date a Brazilian hottie from Copa Cabana, and spend 15 days with her biking along the coastline of South America

4)      Have a hash brownie on one of the streetside cafes of Amsterdam on a 3 am Monday morning, just to feel what it means to get stoned

5)      Climb up to the Everest base camp (Reaching the summit would be a bit of a stretch, even for my imagination)

6)      Watch 30 movies and read 30 novels in a month with chips, coke and a stripper on the lap, with nobody else around

7)      Win a million-dollar jackpot (a true one unlike the bogus email offers from some random widow in UK)

8)      Receive a kiss and hug from each of my childhood crushes with a note saying how much they miss me and would’ve loved to be with me

9)      Line up all office irritants, kick their arses and kiss the job goodbye forever

10)  Develop a six-pack abs without any sort of exercise, by following a stringent diet of glazed cherry Ice-cream and cheese Pav Bhaji

11)  Have all my friends and family massage my body and ego for 3 consecutive days and nights

12)  Strum a guitar, and perform in front of a wild, wet crowd at an Olympics opening ceremony in Wembley

13)  Have 100,000 followers on twitter and replace @Jhunjhunwala as far as awesomeness is concerned

14)  Be the captain of the Indian cricket team and win 3 consecutive world cups ‘Well of Course.’

15)  Peaceful death on my 100th birthday with all loved ones around the deathbed, recounting memorable heartfelt incidents from the century that went by.

 Ok, enough of orgasmic imagination for the soul – back to tampering the excel sheet which will earn me bread and beer for this month.  Btw, please feel free to share your own wishlist with moi.

Lord Ganesha’s Beer Belly.

DISCLAIMER:  If you’re a heart patient, pregnant or go into orgasmic ecstasy whenever the atmosphere reverbates with the chants of ‘Hare Rama Hare Krishna’, then you better stop reading now and rush over to the nearest Iskcon temple and ask forgiveness for my sins…

1914 was the year, when Indian population finally crossed the all important mark of 330 million. Finally the per capita consumption of Gods had come down to below 1 per individual human. Imagine the confusion our ancestors faced prior to the 20th century,when the number of divine entities (330 MM) was even greater than humans residing in India.

If you go through its maze-like history, Hinduism has been actually collated over a period of time from the rituals, beliefs, traditions and scriptures which all started with the Vedas(1700 BC) around the ‘Sindhu’ river. I won’t go into the details here as this is not supposed to be a scholastic thesis but rather an atheist kid’s views on the religion he was born and brought up into.

Advantages/Learnings:

Let’s first look at all the positives the Hindu religion has provided to a country reeling under alternate centuries of oppression, depression and sexual repression.

1) Harmony with other beings:–  Both living and non-living beings have been given a lot of footage across the tome of religious texts. Animals for instance, including even rodents and reptiles have always been given a special deal. Consider the fact that Vishnu has a snake (Shesh Naag) as his sofa-cum-bed, who gets to re-incarnate in the form of a brother to his master (Balram-Krishna)…Infact the snake has also got an entire festival to itself in the form of Naag Panchami. The rat is another animal who has been given super-strength to be able to carry the entire weight of Ganesha on its tiny little back and also get to be his friend, philosopher and driver, all rolled into one.

Even non-living beings get to play Gods, and the best part is they can have offsprings in conjunction with humans (sometimes even without indulging in any sort of hanky-panky stuff). Karna was born out of the pre-marital affair of Sun and a human lady by the name of Kunti. Similarly, you have quite a few other inanimate Gods, whom we otherwise know in our daily lives as Fire, wind, etc.

2) Boyhood fantasies: While the west started off the concept of superheroes through the advent of DC & Marvel comics in the 20th century, we already had a plethora of desi studs 4000 years, beforehand. Infact Superman, with due respect is just another wannabe Hanuman (the one who actually carried an entire mountain and flew over oceans without any wings or RedBull to help him out). There are heroes who cater to every age group and as I started growing up, I took a liking for Krishna whose charming skills made girls go week in their knees. The epithets – tall, dark and handsome were inspired from this thug who regularly stole butter as well as the hearts of females aplenty. Well he even was a glib orator who managed to narrate an entire 1000-odd page thesis on Karma vs Dharma, to his dear friend Arjuna, right in the middle of a frigging war!

3) Entertainment: With so much of congenital competition, Indians are the hardest working race in all of mankind, with hardly any time accorded to concepts like daily relaxation and hobbies… This is where Hinduism fills in a huge void. It gives access to a fantastic array of holidays to chose from and with atleast 2-3 every month, you have a year filled with great festivals ranging from Holi, Diwali, Gokulashtami, etc. All these festivals also have a sub-text, a secondary role to fulfill (Eg:- Navratri gives young puberty-hit Indians their first introduction to the world of condoms)

4) Inhuman Creativity:-  Unfortunately, as humans we have access to very limited number of limbs and a 3-dimensional space to move them around. But this religion throws up a completely new dimension with some unbelievable visual imagery. Imagine, the dozens of hands which jut out of Durga or the infamous third eye which pops out of an angry Shiva who starts dancing at the drop of a coin. He struts around with a fashionable snake as his necklace and drinks pints of poison as if it’s fresh juice squeezed out of ripe oranges. And beat this, an entire river flows out of his mane of bedraggled hair – if this ain’t creative imagination, what is? For that matter, even the anti-Gods like Ravana were given access to 10 heads to ensure a healthy fight and not a lop-sided boring battle.

5) Solace:- Till the time, literacy doesn’t cover up the entire country and urbanization crosses a certain threshold, people will continue to need some ideals, as well as idols to follow.  Also, in a country where you might get killed any random day by a bomb blast if not by the horns of a mad cow running on the streets, you need a solace of some kind, which definitely the concept of re-birth can provide.

Disadvantages 

1) Outdated:- End of the day, Hinduism is just a potpourri of so many complex and funny ideas that modern humans still follow, preach and justify them beats all logic. Science in pre-historic times was so nascent that it made absolute sense to worship the ball of fire called sun and it’s seemingly related cousin, fire…But then shouldn’t you edit/revise your scriptures with time as you do with your latest electro-communication manuals? Why can’t a group of say 100 Ph.D students sit down and create Upanishadas 2.0?

2) Mythical:- Ramanayana, Mahabharata and their mythical offshoots have left behind a strange legacy. In a lot of villages, till date people feel the spark-inducing arrows which Rama and Ravana exchange in Ramanand Sagar’s serial has happened in reality somewhere. Or for that matter hybrids of humans and animals do existed (Ganpati with the elephant snout or Hanuman with the monkey tail)! Mr. Valmiki, Vyasa & co – please have a look at the mayhem and mania, you have unleashed.

3) Power Struggle:- The caste system is an off-shoot of Hinduism and what a marvelous piece of work to ensure that the power stays in the hands of a few with either the pen(Brahmins), the sword(Kshatriyas) or the money (Vaishyas)…Labour (Shudras) is easily relegated to the category of the lesser soul for a lifetime of generations.

4) Dwindling popularity:- One fine day, Hinduism will sort of dwindle since it’s nearly a one-country belief without a singular, simple book to preach and spread around.

5) Fanaticism:-  So it has finally raised it’s ugly head being heckled by religious parties, wanting to ensure that the secularistic fabric of the country is dyed in a deep shade of saffron.

As far as I’m concerned, I’ve finally made peace with the ganja-selling sadhus on the banks of the ganges. They can enjoy their tantric mindset and I can enjoy the coolness of Ganpati as a model aspiration to eat, drink and be merry in an age where even Gods strut around with 8-pack abs!