The Secret Diary of KRK – New Year Resolutions 2012!

Dear Diary, Jay Mata Di!

Today my brain is confusing with my heart. My heart part is happyfull because I will be watching Mallika Sherawatji make jalebis on 31st night. But my brain is throwing tears because some mexican kaamwali bai MAYA has told, that the world will end in 2012. Who the hell is she #2RsPeople to talk like that???!!!

Bejan Daruwala is the only real Nostrildamus, and he predicts that if I add a few more ‘aa’s and ‘kk’s to my name then Kkkkamaaal R Kkhaan will live till 3012. Then I will be the ‘I am Legend’ like Willy Smith and rule dharti ma alone!

 And like all of you my 1000s of 100s of fans, I declare my new year resolutions for 2012. Please add to Constitution of India or I will go on anshan.

  • I will enter the Bigg Boss house from the backdoor and sign Sunny Leone for Deshdrohi 3 before Bhatt saab makes aatank in her brain with his fast-talk. This is my Current Location today full day for writing the script. I am here so do not try too hard to find me. The story will be very complex with Leone in a Loin cloths playing the role of Gandhi and I will play Nathuram Godse, the deshdrohi. 
  • I met that comedian Russel Peters at Canada airport and he is always in such a comedic mood. But that day, he was seriously looking into my eyes and telling me to take up Steve Jobs job after his death. I am thinking yes, because I am also innoventor like him and have so many ideas for new technological products like iKiss and iCrapblock.
  • I will help Kokilabenji for making out with my 2 best friends, Anil and Mukesh who are fighting like the Suresh and Ramesh in Cadbury 5 star ad.She followed my strategy direction to make dhoklas and fafdas for them and make them play dandia in their Chorwad village.
  • I will get a 20 year old girlfriend in Egypt and go with her to Tahrir square to give hugs and kisses to the soldiers and the muslim brotherhood party. We will bring new revolutions and take Annaji to do fasting there because this MMRDA walas are charging so much rentals.
  • My strong kasam is to crapblock atleast 100s of peoples in 2012, especially like Sherlyn Chopra and Yana Gupta, who don’t open their doors whenever I want to enter. I tell they have nice, new black cars and ringing on their bell, but still!
  • I want to give blessings and my acting talents to Beti B because both her parents are not acting that very good. Btw, the style the Bacchan families is increasing, one day all Bs in the alphabet will finish. Beti B will also be liking her mother only. Abhishek very funnily told me if Beti B liking her, then she will have beard and all that stuff, haha.
  • In 2012, I will coach Dhoni and co and fix up test matches against Denmark and Germany, so that winning against gora public on their home grounds does not remain a sapna in sapna like that Inception movie.
  • Russians, beware as I am bringing my Expandable army to your country to crush your balls. How dare you say anything for Geeta. Bhajji will slap you toh kya if he’s stopped dating Ms. Basra. Dharam uncle is also looking to drink some blood for long time – Hemaji is both Seeta and Geeta for her. But then he might not have dates till 2013, as they have signed him as a vampire for that Twinkle twinkle ‘Twilight’ing movies.

So now let me leave you darlings with my final philosophical quote for 2011.

Hoton se choo lo tum, mere lips Garam karr do, Tum haar ke Dimaag apna, mera blog amar kardo – SANT KAMAAL R KAHN


Top 10 successful desi disasters of 2011

Like every Tom, *ick and Harry, here’s my top 10 list for 2011… Ironic as it may sound, these successes actually ought to have been disasters due to their average nature… But as they say, this happens only in India!!!

1) Kolaveri Di
Like his super-average and super-successful father-in-law (Rajni), Dhanush rocked the fag end of 2011 with a song that has taken the iWorld by storm. Absolutely random lyrics and a common south Indian tune, but didn’t we all just love it!

2) Team Anna

He fasted every other week as if foodgrains were going out of fashion. And people like Kejriwal, Agnivesh Swami and Kiran Bedi threw their tummy-filled weight around him. Don’t know whether it’s their unconstitutional, blackmailing tricks which irk me more or the constant tumbling of skeletons from their cupboards. A cynic like me thinks that Team Anna and their pyrotechnics won’t make an eventual difference to our innate corrupt, social fabric.

3) Praveen Kumar & team India

The military medium Praveen Kumar wouldn’t be able to even bowl out Geoffrey Boycott’s mother-in-law... But he was the best we had to offer in England. No. 1 was just a sleight of hand as far as Tests was concerned, since we hadn’t won a single overseas series in either England, Australia or South Africa in the past decade.

4) Bodyguard & Sallu

The Rajnikanth of Bollywood sleepwalks and whistles through every role with one signature pelvic thrust and the movie breaks every conceivable record. Same dialogues, walk, sunglasses and beer belly, this star is slowly going the inane Govinda and Askhay Kumar routes.

5) Poonam Pandey

The great Neha Dhupia once famously said that in India only 2 things sell – sex and SRK… Poonam Pandey latched onto this gospel and ensured that she shot a video while using Lux bodywash and the rest, as they say is history. She also utilized our cricket mania in copying what the Paraguyan model (Larissa Riquelme) had done with Soccer in FIFA 2010.

6) Ra.One and SRK

Yes, he still sells but the nadir was reached in this puke-inducing movie, wherein SRK blew up the money in SFX but forgot to hire a writer and director. And a marketing campaign devised to sell, sell, sell and eventually kill, I nearly expected to see  SRK in my bathroom mirror, promoting his movie. (Btw, just as an aside it would be a tough job, selecting between the devil and deep blue sea – Mani Ratnam’s Ravan vs Ra.One)

7) Bigg Boss 5

Sheepishly, I have to admit that I love to watch Bigg Boss every single day. But that doesn’t exonerate the fact that we’ve got addicted to poor quality content and poorer hosts (Sanju Baba). Reality Voyeurism at it’s worst takes the TRP cake.

8) Bhatts/Mohit Suri/Emraan Hashmi

Beats me how year on year this troika, manages to throw erotic B-class murder thrillers at us with remarkable success. One off-topic question, how does Emran Hashmi manage to smooch like a vaccuum cleaner – he hardly seems to have any lips under the stubble?

9) Sajid Khan

He’s in this list only on the basis of a personal grudge. This podgy, irritating character out of all 3.5 odd billion males around, managed to flick away the most ravishing pair of legs ever to walk on planet earth – Jaqueline Fernandes.

10) Please let me know which worthy contender have I missed out?

Don 2: Movie Review

Slick and fast-paced but with a plot as thin and bland as a plain salted Lays potato chip, Don gets a 2.5 out of an impossible 5.


In a nutshell, the plot is about Don stealing the Euro currency printing plates from a bank in Berlin (don’t know whether that’s a very smart move considering the Euro might soon be out of fashion) and at the same time ensuring that all his enemies get either killed or rather nabbed. (So Don 3 can be started off in 2013 with the same caricaturish characters!)

The storyline doesn’t have the same flair and twists as the previous avataar and is about this one dimensional megalomaniac who doesn’t like to be called Sir. The movie starts on a high-octane and I loved the first 20 minutes of an unkempt SRK kicking some ass in Thailand and later on in a Malaysian jail. But from then on, till about the last 30 minutes the movie meanders around the heist and though the pace doesn’t slacken, the interest levels dim a bit because of no interesting turns. The middle of the movie is where Farhan’s story-teller went off to sleep while writing the plot.


Farhan Akhtar as we all know is quite capable when it comes to delivering the goods, but is unfortunately hampered by insipid writing on this one. Despite that, thankfully his hold on the film remains strong and stylish, and never moves to the Sanjay Gupta mode as he does have a tight screenplay to back-up the car chases and action pieces. Also, the cinematography is top-notch and gives the film, production values which are of international caliber. At a personal level, I would like to see Farhan make movies, which atleast have a subtext of emotion running through in his own understated style of play.


Every actor worth his salt goes through this phase, when he tries to act way too younger than his age. Even Big B managed to give us unbelievable duds like Lal Badshah, Aaj ka Arjun, etc… And SRK is entering that dreaded zone now. His constant grimace, the farty walk, or for that matter the gnashing of his jaw every few seconds is the pulse of an actor who’s trying too hard to look cool and menacing. For some strange reason, he reminds me of the Hindi teacher in school who had hair coming out of his ears, and who would shout at the top of his squeaky voice to portray an overpowering personality. The harder he tried, the funnier he looked.

Same goes for our new age Don, who pouts as if lips are going out of fashion and the way he slurs ‘Meri Junglee billi” would put a lascivious B-grade henchman to shame. But nevertheless the overall effort is a zillion time improvement over the Ra.One disaster which left an SRK fan like me want to fall in love with KRK instead.

Actually a couple of decades back, when he did these same expressions in Darr or Baazigar we didn’t mind, atleast there was an underlying emotion – either in the passionate lust for KKkkiran or an innate lava of revenge for Madan Choprrraa… That is what has been missing in SRK movies recently and hence a downfall from where he needs to dig-out asap towards more Chak De and Swades kinda  roles. Nevertheless, some of the smart one-liners still have the trademark charm of the self-proclaimed King.

Boman Irani is undoubtedly a craftsman, but too podgy a nemesis to an anorexic, central antagonist. Seems like Kareena Kapoor diet tips are working for SRK, and Dolly Bindra is helping out Boman with his build-up! Infact Boman seems like a Parsi baba picked up erroneously from a Hindu colony theatrical play and put into a 70mm guns and girls saga.

Priyanka Chopra looks good and well….looks good. Similarly, poor Lara  Dutta doesn’t have much to do except show the valley to the front-benchers. Thankfully Bollywood would be spared as she goes on a motherhood sabbatical for atleast a year or two.

Kunal Kapoor is a fine actor, but unfortunately commercial cinema doesn’t hold much space for people like him. He should probably take a leaf out of Abhay Deol’s book and move onto the multiplex smallies.

Om Puri says he’ll retire, at the beginning of the movie and somehow doesn’t do till the end????


This is completely blah and thankfully there are only 2 songs through the movie… Shankar Ehsaan Loy seem to be just rehashing their same old tunes from the earlier version and need to take a break like dear Mr. Reshamiyya did for a couple of years. They try to do a James Bond kinda OST, but dish out drab and boring music. Why can’t somebody take the gauntlet and just make a songless SRK movie.

Anyways, it’s a one-time watch for all SRK and Don fans. If you’re neither, please skip the cinema hall and wait for one of the channels, which will inadvertently air the movie every Saturday as a blockbuster of the month for nearly a year!