The Secret Diary of KRK – Jan 2012


Dear Diary,

Jay mata di!

My ball gladder was overflowing with sorrowness last week, after my break-up with my Moroccan maid, Sabaal. Final kisses and goodbye to her. But life has to move on and today I am really feeling like a super chore after stealing the dils of the Oprah Winfree, right from under the nose of the Bachhans. Amit uncle tried to take her to his house as Beti B’s massagewaali. But I flicked her on the way and took her to my Pandharpur palace and made her queen. Super-Kool, ain’t I? *wink wink*

Some other things in this new year are still heavy on my mind, heart and balls. And I need to puke them out for lightness and sharing with all you lovelies.

1) When my original, first pyaar Lara asked me 10 years back – ‘Kya aapke toothpaste mein namak hai?” she forgot to tell me about the urea in my milk. No doubt whenever I do susu in my garden, the next day several santra and strawberries grow up. I am planning to now drink more doodh everyday and do susu all over bombay. Clean Mumbai, Green Mumbai as the great Ayesha Takia quoted once.

2) This Dhoni ka team needs to pull up their socks, pajamas and underwear if they want to draw the 4th test against the kangaroos. Why can’t they recruit Poonam Pandey and Oprah Winfree as their mental coaches? If they win, Poonam will strip and if they lose Oprah will. In all his novels, the management guru, Peter Drunkard calls it as Carrot and Stick approach

3) Why do all this #2Rs Khans keep checking for each other’s box-office collections? Also, everybody is coping Amit uncle for Don and Agneepath and all, but they foolish people don’t know that Sr. BigB is looking to copy and remake my Deshdrohi-4 in 4D. I will be main hero with my favorite love Asin (Kisses to her will also flow out to the audience in 4 dimensions).

I hope this technologicaly superior movie will beat the record of the Hollywood shitty movies like MI4 where that cleaner fellow Tom Cruise climbs Burj to clean it from outside. Arre baba, use technology naa and use hose pipe to spurt water. We will shoot our film on the tallest tower of Mumbai -Mukeshbhai’s Antilla house. I will bring in more style, chutzpah and bodyhair than what Anil paaji did in MI4.

4)  I will be flying Qatar Airlines tomorrow to get out of this shitty doha and fill in for Salman Rushdie in the Jaipur twiteraly festival. My role there is to recite some poems and dialogs from all my blockbuster hits, as well as my rocking tweets. I’ve also invited Baba Ramdev as my partner to do some jugalbandi and show off our 10 pack abs by sucking in all breath. Btw, sincere request to all Kamrans – please bring only red gulaal to throw at him. Holi is not a black day, you fools.

5) This new fatwa things are so confusing. So you nutcrack mullahs are telling me that I can kiss my favorite madrasi star ‘Surya’ but I can’t tell him namaskar? I crapblock all such fatwa people and fart on their beards.

If at all you want to put fatwa, put it on gay movies like sherlock holmes. That Watson character acts so gud. They should’ve hired Karan Johar, naa if they want to make gay movies like Dostana? Also, the main hero is so Downey, junior and slow. He does everything in slow motion. Even our very own modern Rajesh Khanna (Vinay Pathak) can do this role much better.

More later on my valentine’s kisses special in February, till then let me leave you with a few words from my favorite lyricswalla of all time – P.K. Mishra (he really writes very philosophical, especially post peekay 😉

 Telephone Dhun mein Hasnewaali, Melbourne machhli machalne waali – Dadicated to our team, currently fishing in Australia.

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5 Responses

  1. “I m the only good man who doesn’t drink, smoke, and do sex. even though i give kisses to asin,katrina,etc and i don’t do anything physically.i don’t understand sex is the most discussed topic in India.the only reason i don’t want to marry is because then i ll be not a good person after i do sex.but i am surely happy for my friend who did his 4rth marriage with a beautiful arab girl whose 18years old.but do remember even if i shall marry i would shall only marry a good girl like sara khan,i ll make sure i have crap blocked her ex-husband.”

  2. Hilarious……. we want more…. roast this crap guy… :£

  3. You have to do a series on him……………he is quite the comic…………..had the bad fortune of meeting him 😦

    • Haha, hope he didn’t act funny with you… Will soon come up with another round on d legend!

      • Well he wouldn’t try…he spoke Spanish, I spoke Swahili and we lived happily ever after ” )

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