Sleepwalking through Life…

As I stood below the office having a cup of coffee, taking a break from playing emails, noticed the frenetic traffic around. (even at 2 pm in the afternoon)

Everybody seems to be in a mindless state of motion. We want to reach from A to B, whether it be physically, financially or emotionally. Short-term or mid-term goals is what drives us. But, once we reach the goal – the next promotion/ marriage/ buying the first home, the euphoria dies down almost instanteously. The achievement is replaced by the next ‘bigger’ and ‘better’ goal. Progress or materialistic evolution as Darwin would’ve termed it.

Hmm, kinda explains how life is just a journey without a fixed destination – quite a rocky one must say…Awaiting for a cold, fresh brook to wash my face in.


Although paradoxically different, both western and eastern life philosophies can be seen as Newton’s law of inertia…
Western: MOVE – KEEP MOVING, Set life goals and strive to achieve them
Eastern: STAY STILL – JUST BE, every desire is just a manifesto of evil

The boss shouts out for a work checklist, and back to ground realities.
Excel, word, powerpoint = Tandoori chicken, petrol and the next vacation to the Arctic


Resolutions – The Happiness Paradox…

Every Dec-end, the world celebrates the myth that a new year beckons & the 1st of January with it’s magic wand will wipe away the stresses of life.

So to motivate this magician called Jan, we prop it with artificial limbs called resolutions.
Lose weight, gain gf, lose spouse, have more sex and many other random wishes float in the air for a while….But eventually it ends up being just another binge eat & drink session one night, followed by a diet which probably lasts a week & a half.

And these so-called resolutions, if they ever get completed through are supposed to make us HAPPY.
Which brings me to the 2 moot questions of life!
1) What is happiness?
2) Is it our natural state?

For me, humans seem to live in a permanent state of dissatisfaction with temporal spikes of joy or ecstasy, which they term as happiness. So my resolution for 2013 is to try to gain some peace if not the ever-elusive oasis pictured below…

The mythical Creature of Happiness

The Secret Diary of KRK – Jan 2012

Dear Diary,

Jay mata di!

My ball gladder was overflowing with sorrowness last week, after my break-up with my Moroccan maid, Sabaal. Final kisses and goodbye to her. But life has to move on and today I am really feeling like a super chore after stealing the dils of the Oprah Winfree, right from under the nose of the Bachhans. Amit uncle tried to take her to his house as Beti B’s massagewaali. But I flicked her on the way and took her to my Pandharpur palace and made her queen. Super-Kool, ain’t I? *wink wink*

Some other things in this new year are still heavy on my mind, heart and balls. And I need to puke them out for lightness and sharing with all you lovelies.

1) When my original, first pyaar Lara asked me 10 years back – ‘Kya aapke toothpaste mein namak hai?” she forgot to tell me about the urea in my milk. No doubt whenever I do susu in my garden, the next day several santra and strawberries grow up. I am planning to now drink more doodh everyday and do susu all over bombay. Clean Mumbai, Green Mumbai as the great Ayesha Takia quoted once.

2) This Dhoni ka team needs to pull up their socks, pajamas and underwear if they want to draw the 4th test against the kangaroos. Why can’t they recruit Poonam Pandey and Oprah Winfree as their mental coaches? If they win, Poonam will strip and if they lose Oprah will. In all his novels, the management guru, Peter Drunkard calls it as Carrot and Stick approach

3) Why do all this #2Rs Khans keep checking for each other’s box-office collections? Also, everybody is coping Amit uncle for Don and Agneepath and all, but they foolish people don’t know that Sr. BigB is looking to copy and remake my Deshdrohi-4 in 4D. I will be main hero with my favorite love Asin (Kisses to her will also flow out to the audience in 4 dimensions).

I hope this technologicaly superior movie will beat the record of the Hollywood shitty movies like MI4 where that cleaner fellow Tom Cruise climbs Burj to clean it from outside. Arre baba, use technology naa and use hose pipe to spurt water. We will shoot our film on the tallest tower of Mumbai -Mukeshbhai’s Antilla house. I will bring in more style, chutzpah and bodyhair than what Anil paaji did in MI4.

4)  I will be flying Qatar Airlines tomorrow to get out of this shitty doha and fill in for Salman Rushdie in the Jaipur twiteraly festival. My role there is to recite some poems and dialogs from all my blockbuster hits, as well as my rocking tweets. I’ve also invited Baba Ramdev as my partner to do some jugalbandi and show off our 10 pack abs by sucking in all breath. Btw, sincere request to all Kamrans – please bring only red gulaal to throw at him. Holi is not a black day, you fools.

5) This new fatwa things are so confusing. So you nutcrack mullahs are telling me that I can kiss my favorite madrasi star ‘Surya’ but I can’t tell him namaskar? I crapblock all such fatwa people and fart on their beards.

If at all you want to put fatwa, put it on gay movies like sherlock holmes. That Watson character acts so gud. They should’ve hired Karan Johar, naa if they want to make gay movies like Dostana? Also, the main hero is so Downey, junior and slow. He does everything in slow motion. Even our very own modern Rajesh Khanna (Vinay Pathak) can do this role much better.

More later on my valentine’s kisses special in February, till then let me leave you with a few words from my favorite lyricswalla of all time – P.K. Mishra (he really writes very philosophical, especially post peekay 😉

 Telephone Dhun mein Hasnewaali, Melbourne machhli machalne waali – Dadicated to our team, currently fishing in Australia.

The Secret Diary of KRK – New Year Resolutions 2012!

Dear Diary, Jay Mata Di!

Today my brain is confusing with my heart. My heart part is happyfull because I will be watching Mallika Sherawatji make jalebis on 31st night. But my brain is throwing tears because some mexican kaamwali bai MAYA has told, that the world will end in 2012. Who the hell is she #2RsPeople to talk like that???!!!

Bejan Daruwala is the only real Nostrildamus, and he predicts that if I add a few more ‘aa’s and ‘kk’s to my name then Kkkkamaaal R Kkhaan will live till 3012. Then I will be the ‘I am Legend’ like Willy Smith and rule dharti ma alone!

 And like all of you my 1000s of 100s of fans, I declare my new year resolutions for 2012. Please add to Constitution of India or I will go on anshan.

  • I will enter the Bigg Boss house from the backdoor and sign Sunny Leone for Deshdrohi 3 before Bhatt saab makes aatank in her brain with his fast-talk. This is my Current Location today full day for writing the script. I am here so do not try too hard to find me. The story will be very complex with Leone in a Loin cloths playing the role of Gandhi and I will play Nathuram Godse, the deshdrohi. 
  • I met that comedian Russel Peters at Canada airport and he is always in such a comedic mood. But that day, he was seriously looking into my eyes and telling me to take up Steve Jobs job after his death. I am thinking yes, because I am also innoventor like him and have so many ideas for new technological products like iKiss and iCrapblock.
  • I will help Kokilabenji for making out with my 2 best friends, Anil and Mukesh who are fighting like the Suresh and Ramesh in Cadbury 5 star ad.She followed my strategy direction to make dhoklas and fafdas for them and make them play dandia in their Chorwad village.
  • I will get a 20 year old girlfriend in Egypt and go with her to Tahrir square to give hugs and kisses to the soldiers and the muslim brotherhood party. We will bring new revolutions and take Annaji to do fasting there because this MMRDA walas are charging so much rentals.
  • My strong kasam is to crapblock atleast 100s of peoples in 2012, especially like Sherlyn Chopra and Yana Gupta, who don’t open their doors whenever I want to enter. I tell they have nice, new black cars and ringing on their bell, but still!
  • I want to give blessings and my acting talents to Beti B because both her parents are not acting that very good. Btw, the style the Bacchan families is increasing, one day all Bs in the alphabet will finish. Beti B will also be liking her mother only. Abhishek very funnily told me if Beti B liking her, then she will have beard and all that stuff, haha.
  • In 2012, I will coach Dhoni and co and fix up test matches against Denmark and Germany, so that winning against gora public on their home grounds does not remain a sapna in sapna like that Inception movie.
  • Russians, beware as I am bringing my Expandable army to your country to crush your balls. How dare you say anything for Geeta. Bhajji will slap you toh kya if he’s stopped dating Ms. Basra. Dharam uncle is also looking to drink some blood for long time – Hemaji is both Seeta and Geeta for her. But then he might not have dates till 2013, as they have signed him as a vampire for that Twinkle twinkle ‘Twilight’ing movies.

So now let me leave you darlings with my final philosophical quote for 2011.

Hoton se choo lo tum, mere lips Garam karr do, Tum haar ke Dimaag apna, mera blog amar kardo – SANT KAMAAL R KAHN

Top 10 successful desi disasters of 2011

Like every Tom, *ick and Harry, here’s my top 10 list for 2011… Ironic as it may sound, these successes actually ought to have been disasters due to their average nature… But as they say, this happens only in India!!!

1) Kolaveri Di
Like his super-average and super-successful father-in-law (Rajni), Dhanush rocked the fag end of 2011 with a song that has taken the iWorld by storm. Absolutely random lyrics and a common south Indian tune, but didn’t we all just love it!

2) Team Anna

He fasted every other week as if foodgrains were going out of fashion. And people like Kejriwal, Agnivesh Swami and Kiran Bedi threw their tummy-filled weight around him. Don’t know whether it’s their unconstitutional, blackmailing tricks which irk me more or the constant tumbling of skeletons from their cupboards. A cynic like me thinks that Team Anna and their pyrotechnics won’t make an eventual difference to our innate corrupt, social fabric.

3) Praveen Kumar & team India

The military medium Praveen Kumar wouldn’t be able to even bowl out Geoffrey Boycott’s mother-in-law... But he was the best we had to offer in England. No. 1 was just a sleight of hand as far as Tests was concerned, since we hadn’t won a single overseas series in either England, Australia or South Africa in the past decade.

4) Bodyguard & Sallu

The Rajnikanth of Bollywood sleepwalks and whistles through every role with one signature pelvic thrust and the movie breaks every conceivable record. Same dialogues, walk, sunglasses and beer belly, this star is slowly going the inane Govinda and Askhay Kumar routes.

5) Poonam Pandey

The great Neha Dhupia once famously said that in India only 2 things sell – sex and SRK… Poonam Pandey latched onto this gospel and ensured that she shot a video while using Lux bodywash and the rest, as they say is history. She also utilized our cricket mania in copying what the Paraguyan model (Larissa Riquelme) had done with Soccer in FIFA 2010.

6) Ra.One and SRK

Yes, he still sells but the nadir was reached in this puke-inducing movie, wherein SRK blew up the money in SFX but forgot to hire a writer and director. And a marketing campaign devised to sell, sell, sell and eventually kill, I nearly expected to see  SRK in my bathroom mirror, promoting his movie. (Btw, just as an aside it would be a tough job, selecting between the devil and deep blue sea – Mani Ratnam’s Ravan vs Ra.One)

7) Bigg Boss 5

Sheepishly, I have to admit that I love to watch Bigg Boss every single day. But that doesn’t exonerate the fact that we’ve got addicted to poor quality content and poorer hosts (Sanju Baba). Reality Voyeurism at it’s worst takes the TRP cake.

8) Bhatts/Mohit Suri/Emraan Hashmi

Beats me how year on year this troika, manages to throw erotic B-class murder thrillers at us with remarkable success. One off-topic question, how does Emran Hashmi manage to smooch like a vaccuum cleaner – he hardly seems to have any lips under the stubble?

9) Sajid Khan

He’s in this list only on the basis of a personal grudge. This podgy, irritating character out of all 3.5 odd billion males around, managed to flick away the most ravishing pair of legs ever to walk on planet earth – Jaqueline Fernandes.

10) Please let me know which worthy contender have I missed out?

The Secret Diary of KRK – Returns!

Dear Diary, Jay Mata Di!

 – Today all my kisses are reserved for Annaji and Kiran Bediji. She reminds me so much of that Gujju dhokli ‘Falguni Fatakdi’ with whom I used to play dandia in my struggling days. Aur Anna ke kya kehne – I met Enrique Eagles the other night for bun pav and beer in downtown Mexico and told him that we have a hotter Anna than his Cornykova, but what will these firang 2Rs people understand the importance of old wrinkled hotties!

– My heart is having a round of painness for the janta of this country. How can a population of 135 lakhs of peoples be fooled by a handful of 2Rs people like Om Puri who is giving gaalis to good politicians like Manmohanji. I will crapblock Om Puri, the deshdrohi and also all my 3000 followers who look so identical – twitter is cloning peoples kya? (All eggs without eyes and especially no lips to kiss). But then there are also these beautiful bikini girls who have numbers instead of names and all of them follow me. Twitter, tussi great ho!

– Today KJo is releasing Agneepath trailer – Arre baba, hopefully Hrithik won’t dub with a sore throat like Amit uncle did during the original. And this Sanju baba is looking more like Adnan baba nowadays and with hair gone from the top, his roundness is even more well-defined. On Eid, I have a private screening for Salmanbhai’s new super-duper bumper hit Bodyguard – he wants my advice on the ending of the starting scene…Btw, I really like the way he runs in Matrix-like slow motion for the song ‘Teri Meri’. I just worry that his man-boobs might fall off if he increases his pace just a bit.

– In global news, I’m very happy for the Librans. Their country is finally free, but what’s wrong with these journalists with such bad English. They can’t even spell Myanmar Kadaffi correctly. But it doesn’t matter – a very happy independence to the deshwasiyon of Libra. Now the future is in your own hands – so masturbate correctly. Btw, I love the Americans for giving such beautiful names to their disasters like hurrycane Katrina and Irene…We should take a leaf out of their tree and name our next earthquake as Dolly Bindra.

More next month, till then let me leave you with my favorite philosophical song by Gulzaar Saab, which my very good friend and look-alike Sukhwinder Singh has sunk. Sukhwinder, 100 kisses to you and Gulzar Saab.

“Chal Chaiyya Chaiyya Chal Chaiyya… Saari Ishiq ki Chhau chal Chaiyyan”

I’ll roughly translate it for all my young fans who don’t understand Urdus.

“Cum Chhaya Chhayy Cum Chhaya… All lusty shadows cum Chhaya”

(Chhaya is the name of Shiney Ahuja’s ex-maid now recruited by me for I like to help out the needy peoples)

Orgasmic chicken soup for the deranged soul

This week has been one of those moods, when the mind has been floating in philosophical randomness about life, death and the muck in between. 

Makes me do some wishful thinking and the bucket list below, is a top of the mind recall of 14 activities I would love to indulge in, before the 15th one (death) hits my heart. 

The Ultimate Bucket List 

1)      Visit Antarctica and live alongside the penguins for a month, on what is one of the most beautiful and serene, but inhumanely cold terrains on planet earth

2)      Be a best-selling author – Chetan Bhagat can do it & so can I!

3)      Date a Brazilian hottie from Copa Cabana, and spend 15 days with her biking along the coastline of South America

4)      Have a hash brownie on one of the streetside cafes of Amsterdam on a 3 am Monday morning, just to feel what it means to get stoned

5)      Climb up to the Everest base camp (Reaching the summit would be a bit of a stretch, even for my imagination)

6)      Watch 30 movies and read 30 novels in a month with chips, coke and a stripper on the lap, with nobody else around

7)      Win a million-dollar jackpot (a true one unlike the bogus email offers from some random widow in UK)

8)      Receive a kiss and hug from each of my childhood crushes with a note saying how much they miss me and would’ve loved to be with me

9)      Line up all office irritants, kick their arses and kiss the job goodbye forever

10)  Develop a six-pack abs without any sort of exercise, by following a stringent diet of glazed cherry Ice-cream and cheese Pav Bhaji

11)  Have all my friends and family massage my body and ego for 3 consecutive days and nights

12)  Strum a guitar, and perform in front of a wild, wet crowd at an Olympics opening ceremony in Wembley

13)  Have 100,000 followers on twitter and replace @Jhunjhunwala as far as awesomeness is concerned

14)  Be the captain of the Indian cricket team and win 3 consecutive world cups ‘Well of Course.’

15)  Peaceful death on my 100th birthday with all loved ones around the deathbed, recounting memorable heartfelt incidents from the century that went by.

 Ok, enough of orgasmic imagination for the soul – back to tampering the excel sheet which will earn me bread and beer for this month.  Btw, please feel free to share your own wishlist with moi.