The Secret Diary of KRK – Dec, 2012!

Dear Diary,

Jay mata di!

– I’m feeling very electric this week, especially since Walt Disney have signed me up as the next Bond! Saala, that Daniel Craig looks like Ashok  Kumar, old from the day he was born (Curious case of Jenson Button, I say)

So, Disney uncle said that the next 007 movie to be shot in Bhojpur, will be called Nightfall. Bu yaar, I want to bring India into the Atlas map so I put my foot down. It will be called “Jab tak hain Khan: Deshdrohi -007. That will also be my dadication to Yash uncle’s legacy and lingerie.

Nightfall: Deshdrohi 007…Coming to your nearest chaiwalla stalls in 2013.

– My heart cried out loudly yesterday, like those Ganpati mandal speakers. Only to be drowned down by Latadi’s even bigger cry. Final kisses and goodbye to my favoritest peepals – Shri Ashtavinayak Balasaheb Thackersey. Now, who will manage to stop the incoming of the excess Bhelpuri/Samose walas into Mumbai, when I am dieting.

– Hey, by the way Maya Memsaab called me from Mexico, that she’s postponed the end of the world to 12th Dec, 2112 now…Shaani, wants to have hugs and kisses from me for another century..*deep sigh sigh*… So, please adjust your Mayan calendars, the world is no longer ending – Iodex malo, kaam pe chalo.

– I was in Washington CD last month – yaar, that Obama and Romney forgot to mention who was in Congress, and who in BJP. Foolish people fought an entire election without naming their correct political affillation. Anyways, I kissed Obama, before the votes were counted, so he won. As the great poet Tulsidas once mentioned – “A kiss in time, saves nine”

– Yaar, when will this Sachin fellow retire yaar – The English team was watching B R Chopra’s Mahabharata the other day and started comparing Tendlya to Bhishma Petaamaha. Their grandfathers also played against him in the 1967 series. Even Poonam Pandey has decided not to strip, in aadar of dadaji batting in the side.

– This week, I’ve decided to crap-block the #2Rs Ajay Devgan. First of all, he doesn’t even know how to spell his own surname, and then he talks about the industrywallahs being illogical. How can he mock ManmohanSinghji and his non-existent Son of Sardar?!

– Finally, I’ve decided to make a special appearance into the Big Boss house as a wild dog entry. Hrijesh Virjee should know he’s not Hrishikesh Mukherjee to be so confused about whether to keep or remove his moustache. Also, Sapna needs me to tattoo the remaining barren lands of her body – her fingers, that is. I’ve also solved the Rubik’s cube puzzle on why is Big Boss 6 called Alag Chhe. When Salmanbhai mentioned it yesterday, an electronic brainwave tolled me that it’s 6 Gujjus huddled into one bed, sharing khakras and dhoklas. Hence, Alag CHHE!

Phew, I’m tired now – my brain is paining with all this Stephen Hawking type theorings. More later in my 2013 new year resolutions, till then let me sign-off, as usual with a few words from my favorite lyricswalla – P. K. Mishra (he wrote this while drunk on Sake in a South Korean bar), and which has become a Youtube bacterial video today.

Open Gangnam star, oh sexy lady…Ops, oops, aah…

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The Secret Diary of KRK – New Year Resolutions 2012!

Dear Diary, Jay Mata Di!

Today my brain is confusing with my heart. My heart part is happyfull because I will be watching Mallika Sherawatji make jalebis on 31st night. But my brain is throwing tears because some mexican kaamwali bai MAYA has told, that the world will end in 2012. Who the hell is she #2RsPeople to talk like that???!!!

Bejan Daruwala is the only real Nostrildamus, and he predicts that if I add a few more ‘aa’s and ‘kk’s to my name then Kkkkamaaal R Kkhaan will live till 3012. Then I will be the ‘I am Legend’ like Willy Smith and rule dharti ma alone!


 And like all of you my 1000s of 100s of fans, I declare my new year resolutions for 2012. Please add to Constitution of India or I will go on anshan.

  • I will enter the Bigg Boss house from the backdoor and sign Sunny Leone for Deshdrohi 3 before Bhatt saab makes aatank in her brain with his fast-talk. This is my Current Location today full day for writing the script. I am here so do not try too hard to find me. maps.google/parliament The story will be very complex with Leone in a Loin cloths playing the role of Gandhi and I will play Nathuram Godse, the deshdrohi. 
  • I met that comedian Russel Peters at Canada airport and he is always in such a comedic mood. But that day, he was seriously looking into my eyes and telling me to take up Steve Jobs job after his death. I am thinking yes, because I am also innoventor like him and have so many ideas for new technological products like iKiss and iCrapblock.
  • I will help Kokilabenji for making out with my 2 best friends, Anil and Mukesh who are fighting like the Suresh and Ramesh in Cadbury 5 star ad.She followed my strategy direction to make dhoklas and fafdas for them and make them play dandia in their Chorwad village.
  • I will get a 20 year old girlfriend in Egypt and go with her to Tahrir square to give hugs and kisses to the soldiers and the muslim brotherhood party. We will bring new revolutions and take Annaji to do fasting there because this MMRDA walas are charging so much rentals.
  • My strong kasam is to crapblock atleast 100s of peoples in 2012, especially like Sherlyn Chopra and Yana Gupta, who don’t open their doors whenever I want to enter. I tell they have nice, new black cars and ringing on their bell, but still!
  • I want to give blessings and my acting talents to Beti B because both her parents are not acting that very good. Btw, the style the Bacchan families is increasing, one day all Bs in the alphabet will finish. Beti B will also be liking her mother only. Abhishek very funnily told me if Beti B liking her, then she will have beard and all that stuff, haha.
  • In 2012, I will coach Dhoni and co and fix up test matches against Denmark and Germany, so that winning against gora public on their home grounds does not remain a sapna in sapna like that Inception movie.
  • Russians, beware as I am bringing my Expandable army to your country to crush your balls. How dare you say anything for Geeta. Bhajji will slap you toh kya if he’s stopped dating Ms. Basra. Dharam uncle is also looking to drink some blood for long time – Hemaji is both Seeta and Geeta for her. But then he might not have dates till 2013, as they have signed him as a vampire for that Twinkle twinkle ‘Twilight’ing movies.

So now let me leave you darlings with my final philosophical quote for 2011.

Hoton se choo lo tum, mere lips Garam karr do, Tum haar ke Dimaag apna, mera blog amar kardo – SANT KAMAAL R KAHN

The Secret Diary of KRK – Returns!

Dear Diary, Jay Mata Di!

 – Today all my kisses are reserved for Annaji and Kiran Bediji. She reminds me so much of that Gujju dhokli ‘Falguni Fatakdi’ with whom I used to play dandia in my struggling days. Aur Anna ke kya kehne – I met Enrique Eagles the other night for bun pav and beer in downtown Mexico and told him that we have a hotter Anna than his Cornykova, but what will these firang 2Rs people understand the importance of old wrinkled hotties!

– My heart is having a round of painness for the janta of this country. How can a population of 135 lakhs of peoples be fooled by a handful of 2Rs people like Om Puri who is giving gaalis to good politicians like Manmohanji. I will crapblock Om Puri, the deshdrohi and also all my 3000 followers who look so identical – twitter is cloning peoples kya? (All eggs without eyes and especially no lips to kiss). But then there are also these beautiful bikini girls who have numbers instead of names and all of them follow me. Twitter, tussi great ho!

– Today KJo is releasing Agneepath trailer – Arre baba, hopefully Hrithik won’t dub with a sore throat like Amit uncle did during the original. And this Sanju baba is looking more like Adnan baba nowadays and with hair gone from the top, his roundness is even more well-defined. On Eid, I have a private screening for Salmanbhai’s new super-duper bumper hit Bodyguard – he wants my advice on the ending of the starting scene…Btw, I really like the way he runs in Matrix-like slow motion for the song ‘Teri Meri’. I just worry that his man-boobs might fall off if he increases his pace just a bit.

– In global news, I’m very happy for the Librans. Their country is finally free, but what’s wrong with these journalists with such bad English. They can’t even spell Myanmar Kadaffi correctly. But it doesn’t matter – a very happy independence to the deshwasiyon of Libra. Now the future is in your own hands – so masturbate correctly. Btw, I love the Americans for giving such beautiful names to their disasters like hurrycane Katrina and Irene…We should take a leaf out of their tree and name our next earthquake as Dolly Bindra.

More next month, till then let me leave you with my favorite philosophical song by Gulzaar Saab, which my very good friend and look-alike Sukhwinder Singh has sunk. Sukhwinder, 100 kisses to you and Gulzar Saab.

“Chal Chaiyya Chaiyya Chal Chaiyya… Saari Ishiq ki Chhau chal Chaiyyan”

I’ll roughly translate it for all my young fans who don’t understand Urdus.

“Cum Chhaya Chhayy Cum Chhaya… All lusty shadows cum Chhaya”

(Chhaya is the name of Shiney Ahuja’s ex-maid now recruited by me for I like to help out the needy peoples)

Lord Ganesha’s Beer Belly.

DISCLAIMER:  If you’re a heart patient, pregnant or go into orgasmic ecstasy whenever the atmosphere reverbates with the chants of ‘Hare Rama Hare Krishna’, then you better stop reading now and rush over to the nearest Iskcon temple and ask forgiveness for my sins…

1914 was the year, when Indian population finally crossed the all important mark of 330 million. Finally the per capita consumption of Gods had come down to below 1 per individual human. Imagine the confusion our ancestors faced prior to the 20th century,when the number of divine entities (330 MM) was even greater than humans residing in India.

If you go through its maze-like history, Hinduism has been actually collated over a period of time from the rituals, beliefs, traditions and scriptures which all started with the Vedas(1700 BC) around the ‘Sindhu’ river. I won’t go into the details here as this is not supposed to be a scholastic thesis but rather an atheist kid’s views on the religion he was born and brought up into.

Advantages/Learnings:

Let’s first look at all the positives the Hindu religion has provided to a country reeling under alternate centuries of oppression, depression and sexual repression.

1) Harmony with other beings:–  Both living and non-living beings have been given a lot of footage across the tome of religious texts. Animals for instance, including even rodents and reptiles have always been given a special deal. Consider the fact that Vishnu has a snake (Shesh Naag) as his sofa-cum-bed, who gets to re-incarnate in the form of a brother to his master (Balram-Krishna)…Infact the snake has also got an entire festival to itself in the form of Naag Panchami. The rat is another animal who has been given super-strength to be able to carry the entire weight of Ganesha on its tiny little back and also get to be his friend, philosopher and driver, all rolled into one.

Even non-living beings get to play Gods, and the best part is they can have offsprings in conjunction with humans (sometimes even without indulging in any sort of hanky-panky stuff). Karna was born out of the pre-marital affair of Sun and a human lady by the name of Kunti. Similarly, you have quite a few other inanimate Gods, whom we otherwise know in our daily lives as Fire, wind, etc.

2) Boyhood fantasies: While the west started off the concept of superheroes through the advent of DC & Marvel comics in the 20th century, we already had a plethora of desi studs 4000 years, beforehand. Infact Superman, with due respect is just another wannabe Hanuman (the one who actually carried an entire mountain and flew over oceans without any wings or RedBull to help him out). There are heroes who cater to every age group and as I started growing up, I took a liking for Krishna whose charming skills made girls go week in their knees. The epithets – tall, dark and handsome were inspired from this thug who regularly stole butter as well as the hearts of females aplenty. Well he even was a glib orator who managed to narrate an entire 1000-odd page thesis on Karma vs Dharma, to his dear friend Arjuna, right in the middle of a frigging war!

3) Entertainment: With so much of congenital competition, Indians are the hardest working race in all of mankind, with hardly any time accorded to concepts like daily relaxation and hobbies… This is where Hinduism fills in a huge void. It gives access to a fantastic array of holidays to chose from and with atleast 2-3 every month, you have a year filled with great festivals ranging from Holi, Diwali, Gokulashtami, etc. All these festivals also have a sub-text, a secondary role to fulfill (Eg:- Navratri gives young puberty-hit Indians their first introduction to the world of condoms)

4) Inhuman Creativity:-  Unfortunately, as humans we have access to very limited number of limbs and a 3-dimensional space to move them around. But this religion throws up a completely new dimension with some unbelievable visual imagery. Imagine, the dozens of hands which jut out of Durga or the infamous third eye which pops out of an angry Shiva who starts dancing at the drop of a coin. He struts around with a fashionable snake as his necklace and drinks pints of poison as if it’s fresh juice squeezed out of ripe oranges. And beat this, an entire river flows out of his mane of bedraggled hair – if this ain’t creative imagination, what is? For that matter, even the anti-Gods like Ravana were given access to 10 heads to ensure a healthy fight and not a lop-sided boring battle.

5) Solace:- Till the time, literacy doesn’t cover up the entire country and urbanization crosses a certain threshold, people will continue to need some ideals, as well as idols to follow.  Also, in a country where you might get killed any random day by a bomb blast if not by the horns of a mad cow running on the streets, you need a solace of some kind, which definitely the concept of re-birth can provide.

Disadvantages 

1) Outdated:- End of the day, Hinduism is just a potpourri of so many complex and funny ideas that modern humans still follow, preach and justify them beats all logic. Science in pre-historic times was so nascent that it made absolute sense to worship the ball of fire called sun and it’s seemingly related cousin, fire…But then shouldn’t you edit/revise your scriptures with time as you do with your latest electro-communication manuals? Why can’t a group of say 100 Ph.D students sit down and create Upanishadas 2.0?

2) Mythical:- Ramanayana, Mahabharata and their mythical offshoots have left behind a strange legacy. In a lot of villages, till date people feel the spark-inducing arrows which Rama and Ravana exchange in Ramanand Sagar’s serial has happened in reality somewhere. Or for that matter hybrids of humans and animals do existed (Ganpati with the elephant snout or Hanuman with the monkey tail)! Mr. Valmiki, Vyasa & co – please have a look at the mayhem and mania, you have unleashed.

3) Power Struggle:- The caste system is an off-shoot of Hinduism and what a marvelous piece of work to ensure that the power stays in the hands of a few with either the pen(Brahmins), the sword(Kshatriyas) or the money (Vaishyas)…Labour (Shudras) is easily relegated to the category of the lesser soul for a lifetime of generations.

4) Dwindling popularity:- One fine day, Hinduism will sort of dwindle since it’s nearly a one-country belief without a singular, simple book to preach and spread around.

5) Fanaticism:-  So it has finally raised it’s ugly head being heckled by religious parties, wanting to ensure that the secularistic fabric of the country is dyed in a deep shade of saffron.

As far as I’m concerned, I’ve finally made peace with the ganja-selling sadhus on the banks of the ganges. They can enjoy their tantric mindset and I can enjoy the coolness of Ganpati as a model aspiration to eat, drink and be merry in an age where even Gods strut around with 8-pack abs!

Ratan Ka Rishta – 2012

The entire Jodhpur palace has boiled potatoes hanging from the chandeliers as the podgy Ram Gapoo enters the screen.

“Welcome to season 2 of Ratan ka Rishta” – Ram welcomes the audience as his eyes keep veering towards the potatoes which have been placed high enough so that he isn’t able to grab them.

“It’s been a year and life as you all know has to move on, but Ratan unfortunately hasn’t been able to. More than 7 decades old and with such a huge empire to manage he unfortunately hasn’t had any of his sperms germinate into a human being. And now he is in the search for the perfect mate to take control over his $100 Bn empire spread across 114 companies in 80 countries….Please welcome our very own shy and coy, Ratan Tota

Ratan drives down the red carpet in a Nano with the emblem of Jaguar affixed on the bonnet, and the Land Rover signage on the bumper.

“Are you feeling nervous, Ratan?”

“Do I need to?”- Ratan gulps sputum down his throat as he nervously looks around the bunch of candidates huddled lazily on the semi-circular maroon couch.

“Let me introduce each of these 5 gems specially unearthed for you from across the length and breadth of India” – the smirk on Ram’s face could be only matched by the intensity of hunger in his belly.

Candidate No. 1 – Baba Kamdev

A frail man who’s standing upside down, strings the chords of ‘Bade Acche Lagte hain’ on his mandolin as soon as Ram moves towards him. Rakhi Sawant is clinging tightly to his backside but that doesn’t seem to bother the baba as he continues making vacuums in his tummy.

“Meet the Godman who can take care of your empire selflessly, without having any real interest in money or women, just like you Ratanji.”

“But what are his business credentials, Gapoo?”

“Well, he has a couple of thousand crores stashed across various temples in the country and also charges a hefty fee to train devotees on how to do a good blowin and blowout job”

Candidates No. 2 and 3 – Yedurapper and Aye Raja

2 guys distract their attention with their noisy giggling and tickling over a game of monopoly. Every time one of them is not watching, the other flicks a note or hotel from the opponents’ area.

“Meet the Siamese twins who are a perfect foil to the staid and steady image of your empire, which is in desperate need of a makeover…They will add some much needed color and stain to the brand which stands for the archaic, boring concepts of integrity and honesty since 19th century.”

“Well, Raja can definitely handle my telecom company, but I don’t have any goldmines for Yeds to dig into?”

“Don’t worry, he can mine anywhere for anything as long as it’s not legal. See!”

They watch in disgust as the old hand is seen busy digging under Raja’s nose.

Candidate No. 4 – Anna Hazard

“Ram, who’s that Gandhi look-alike sleeping under the couch?”

 “That’s one of the strongest candidate Ratanji. According to Anna, every problem in the world can be eradicated with one simple solution. Everytime the unions at Tota steel go on strike, he as the CEO will go one up and fast until death. Don’t worry, he never dies as the fast ends as soon as his bowels get under control.” “Btw, he’s also a master at setting up an impenetrable organizational matrix of watchdogs over watchdogs over watchdogs…”

“Just like Christopher Nolan and Amol palekar’s Sapne mein dekha ek sapna?”

“Eggjactly…So principally, the CEO will watchover the company, then there will be one committee Tatayukta, which will watchover the CEO. Tatayukta would be in turn monitored by Yukta Mookhey and so on…”

Candidate No. 5 – Abhishake Bacchalan

“And meet the last candidate who’s Indian’s answer to Einstein, Archimedes and Stephen Hawking all rolled into one…”

The camera pans towards an oversized unshaven boy playing a game on his mobile with 2 life-size cutouts of himself on each of his sides. He is grinning uncontrollably as if suffering from dementia.

 “That’s AB’s baby and he’s one guy who will ensure that your company is never short of ideas. He’s just recently solved the country’s population problem just by peddling porn on 3G”

“Hello Ratan uncle…Why is a polar bear white in colour?” – Abhishake jumps across straight in front of Ratan’s face.

“Wtf, No idea!”

“Then get Idea…”

Ratan looks exasperatedly at the 5 pairs of eager eyes poring over him and then looks around at Ram who by now has already dug into the potatoes, completely ignorant of the surroundings…

Tota makes a run towards his Nano and decides to continue managing his company for ever after….

Hairy Potter and the Barber’s Razor

Year 1979: In the Hogwart’s school of pottery somewhere  in downtown Hyderabad, there  sat a young boy busy plucking hair from his chest and storing 1 strand in each pot to create horcruxes so the dark lord wouldn’t be able to wax him. And this is where the saga all began…..

The 8 movie series would be directed by different cinematic maestros starting with Satish Kaushik for ‘Hairy Potter & The Barber’s Razor’ and ending with the dark and deadly ‘Hairy Potter ki Aag’ helmed by RGV. To play the central characters of these sordid tales, here’s our pick from the creme-de-la-creme of Bollywood.

Hairy Potter

Who else but Anil Kapoor to play the pivotal role of the boy whose hair was his mojo, with Rajpal Yadav (Ron) and Dolly Bindra(Hermione) as his sidekicks. Dolly Bindra doesn’t know spells but she does know how to curse for sure…A curse a minute by this podgy Hermione will put even Voldemort to shame.

Lord Voldemort

The dark lord will be given a totally new dimension by the super-dark Rajnikanth…He ofcourse  is naturally gifted as someone who can be killed repeatedly and yet  stay alive! Rajni will also play Nagina and all the 2000 odd lungi-clad deatheaters hovering over the pottery school.

Albus Dumbledore

It was a bit difficult to find a 500 year old man to play the adorable headmaster? We had to finally settle for the ancient AK Hangal whose most important (and also the only) dialogue in the movie would be ‘Itna Sanata kyon hai bhai?’

Weasley Twins

Kader Khan and Shakti Kapoor might not be identical twins but they share the same soul & their screen-scorching chemistry and chaddi jokes are already legendary. 

Hagrid

The great Bappi Lahiri carries the requisite weight to stand tummy,  shoulder and balls beyond the rest of the cast and can ride on dragons, unicorns or any other animal you put his way. He will also provide with song-and-dance routines as well as add some bling to the otherwise  grey movies.

Bellatrix

Wasn’t Bellatrix as a character anyways inspired of our very own Shaban Azmi?

Auditions on for the remaining characters as well as a scriptwriter to write a water-tight plot for this movie.

Accio Matka!

Dare to think beyond the ponytail?

I welcome the batch of 2012 to the Tihar campus of our prestigious institute IIIIIPM – Internationally Indian & Indianally International Institue of Puberty Management…

All of you young boys and girls are going through similar pangs in life and we here at IIIIIPM will help you achieve your impossible dreams. So are you ready to count your chickens before you put the eggs to boil?!

I am your dean and the God of Vertical thinking, ArinDamn Choti and I will take you through the three options you have for a 5-minute specialization which will ensure the beginning of the end of your career:

1) VCR

Vaccuum Cleaner Repairing is a very intense course because it has a lot of practical training involved. The instructor runs seperate sessions for boys and girls. The various case studies involved show you how the vaccum cleaner sucks, at what pressures and for how much time. The instructor is an extremely knowledgable and has actually grafted a vaccum cleaner in place of his mouth and his lips are only used for sucking day in & out, without any need for electricity.

2) BBA

Bloating like a Balloon Art is a simplistic concept for which we have called on an internationally renowned balloon seller who erroneously one arid night in Attobadad, put the helium pipe in his belly button instead of the balloon…He’s currently penctured himself to reduce the effects but he can still float like a balloon and s(t)ing like a cabbage!

3) BSS

Begging at the Street Signals is an art form which requires the grasping of quite a few difficult concepts like having a nasal twang, closing your eyes and crying at a long, loud monotone…This course will earn you a lot since the 25 paise coins have now been phased out by the Central Bank of India. The professor of this class will stand with you at various signals in Bandra and practically give you on the job training.

And finally even if these 3 career options don’t work for you, me and my ponytail partner iSRK will launch all of you as condoms in our population control documentary being produced for the government of India…Thok Sako Tho Thok Lo!