Dare to think beyond the ponytail?

I welcome the batch of 2012 to the Tihar campus of our prestigious institute IIIIIPM – Internationally Indian & Indianally International Institue of Puberty Management…

All of you young boys and girls are going through similar pangs in life and we here at IIIIIPM will help you achieve your impossible dreams. So are you ready to count your chickens before you put the eggs to boil?!

I am your dean and the God of Vertical thinking, ArinDamn Choti and I will take you through the three options you have for a 5-minute specialization which will ensure the beginning of the end of your career:

1) VCR

Vaccuum Cleaner Repairing is a very intense course because it has a lot of practical training involved. The instructor runs seperate sessions for boys and girls. The various case studies involved show you how the vaccum cleaner sucks, at what pressures and for how much time. The instructor is an extremely knowledgable and has actually grafted a vaccum cleaner in place of his mouth and his lips are only used for sucking day in & out, without any need for electricity.

2) BBA

Bloating like a Balloon Art is a simplistic concept for which we have called on an internationally renowned balloon seller who erroneously one arid night in Attobadad, put the helium pipe in his belly button instead of the balloon…He’s currently penctured himself to reduce the effects but he can still float like a balloon and s(t)ing like a cabbage!

3) BSS

Begging at the Street Signals is an art form which requires the grasping of quite a few difficult concepts like having a nasal twang, closing your eyes and crying at a long, loud monotone…This course will earn you a lot since the 25 paise coins have now been phased out by the Central Bank of India. The professor of this class will stand with you at various signals in Bandra and practically give you on the job training.

And finally even if these 3 career options don’t work for you, me and my ponytail partner iSRK will launch all of you as condoms in our population control documentary being produced for the government of India…Thok Sako Tho Thok Lo!

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The Secret phone call from MMSingh to Sonia

4 Heinekens and a bowl of lentil soup later on a dark Sunday night, our dear Mr. Prime Minister has finally found the courage to let his heart do the talking. He flicks out his latest Samsung Guru from the left pocket of his dhoti and dials Madam….He clears his throat and as soon as the phone is picked up, he starts crooning…

MMSingh:  O meri Soniya re, Soniya re, Soniya re…Dedunga jaan judda mat hona re…

SoniaGadhi:  Oho PMji, have you started taking those 30+ pills again? How come dancing and prancing suddenly? Atleast do it in front of the 4th estate, they think that the government is run by a phantom who ghostwalks and rarely talks.

MMSingh: I am learning na, taking PR lessons from Rakhi Sawant on how to talk to the media, though I won’t be able to dress up like her. Btw, shouldn’t we discuss on the re-shuffling of the jokers in the pack, rather than my visibility skills?

SoniaGadhi:  Well, ofcourse – that reminds me, what did you do to Pranab? He was sobbing like a girl having her virgin introduction to PMS yesterday.

MMSingh: What to do Madam, he wants a share in each portfolio? I explained to him that this is not an Indiabulls stocks portfolio, but the cabinet of the Indian government!

SoniaGadhi: These bongs I tell you, so literate and literature-driven. Mukherjee has certainly taken ‘Jack of all trades’ idiom to his heart. You leave him to me, how are you planning to tackle all the thunder from down under? Last heard the DMK is planning to ask for a separate country called South India based on South Sudan’s caesarian birth last week!

MMSingh:  Don’t worry about them – most of these Maran types are booked in the 2G scam…And now that we have launched 3G, I expect many more to fill up Tihar jail. (We’ve installed Dish TV in some of the cells for them – platinum package, which includes Sun TV and Gemini TV also)… *Apdi Poda Poda* starts dancing

SoniaGadhi:  Ok ok, control your motions…Btw, what’s your plan for 2nd October? Let’s do something pathbreaking this year.

MMSingh: I’ll break the Dahi Handi, yipeeeeeee!

SoniaGadhi: Uff, when will you read the festival calender carefully PMji? The 2nd of October is not Gokulashtami but Bapu’s birthday. Everyone is doing something – Annas & Babas are fasting, Rahul is walking 18 kilometers a day, and I’m wearing these faux khadi saris!

MMSingh: Oh ho, there are 365 festivals inIndia and I’m not Chacha Chaudhary whose brain is faster than a computer, no? I have an exhaustive 2 point agenda for that holiday – 1) to train our party members on Gandhi’s  experiments with truth and 2) take bhangra lessons from Suhkbir. Elaborating point 1, I will teach Rahul on how to smell weed properly to enhance his grassroots program and show cultural classics like KJo’s Dostana to Golum Nabi Azaad to make him understand the 25 Key Benefits of falling in love with a man…

SoniaGadhi:  Bhangra at this age, naughty boy?

MMSingh: I also want to be fit and furtila like you Italians naa, a la Silvio Berulsconi 😉

SoniaGadhi: Now, that’s more like my Bond! Should I serve your martini shaken or stirred?

The Secret Diary of KRK

Dear Diary,
Jay mata di! I am really castrated today…
  • Here potty is not happening since morning and that Aamir Khan fellow is making hit movies about shit and the butt cracks of random, unknown fools. I keep asking Taran Adarsh for the Delhi Belly collection reports, calling him sirjee also, but he doesn’t even retweet my tweets. I hope it doesn’t beat the record of the biggest hit of world cinema DeshDrohi…I hear some Hollywood boys are planning to copy my script, but I will crush their balls with my bare hands, if they don’t dare to dream beyond Bollywood.
  • Saw Murder2 yesterday, fell in love all over again – so much oomph, sexiness and adaa, want to lip locks with Emraan. Will make Deshdrohi part 2 with him, John and myself. I shall pay 10 cr to John Abraham and he has to pay me 15 cr fine if the film will not be blockbuster. It will be a cunt film like Dil Chahta hai – but with 3 guys fighting for bharat mata’s independence from rascals like Golum Nabi Azaad who think man loving man is a disease.
  • On the politics news this week, Rahul Gandhi is copying my ideas and walking all over India in villages and tiltilating my fanbase with some random offerings of correct market price on land. I want to give kiss and hugs to all the farmers in UP, and give them a percentage of the collections from my unreleased movie – a joint collaboration with that ponytail guy Arindham – ‘Thok Sako to Thok Lo’
  • I will be flying Emirates Airlines tomorrow to go from Mumbai to Pune for my 17th business – it is all crazy. I feel hungry on the flights but they always make mistake and give me gulab jamuns and bairs in the name of fruits. I’ve asked them to come to my village and understand what are called as fruits. Tomatoes, onions and potatoes are fruits – fly you fools!
  • More next week, till then let me leave you with my favorite quote, which I have created like all great philosophers of our age like Sonia Gandhiji and A R Rahman.
I love all good and patriotic people and I hate all Deshdrohis and bad peoples. – Kalaam R Kahn